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2018: my year in review

I wanted to get my thoughts about this year down on paper and what better place than this blog? I’ve always been open about my life. Honest with all of you, so I wanted to spill my feelings, my words of advice and what I’m looking forward to this next year.

While there were many many amazing moments this past year (like my bff getting married), the tough, emotional ones are the ones that truly tested me and stick out most.

A lot changed for me this year. I definitely grew emotionally and mentally, but boy was that hard. While I don’t regret a thing that happened (I don’t regret much in this life), I won’t lie when I wish that it had been easier. 

My mom has always told me that I’ve always taken the hard road. So why stop now right?

Some words of advice? Go after what you want. Not at the cost of friendships, or relationships (unless they’re toxic) but take that leap. Just do it. Life is too short to be scared or “stuck” or daydream about what you want. You can truly have anything that you want if you try and work hard and go after it. 

Make sure to take care of yourself along the way. Self care is huge huge huge. If you’re not taking care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone. 

The two pieces of advice above, are massive lessons for me and they’re not something I have always listened to. It’s a work in progress. 

Okay, let’s dig into it a bit shall we?

For the past several months, I’ve been waking up alone. A common thing for a lot of people I’m sure, but not when you’re used to waking up beside someone. My relationship ended this year and that was a tough pill to swallow. No one wants to admit that something isn’t working. That you’re not truly happy. You want to paint this picture perfect life. But guess what? That’s not healthy. It does no one good.

My mental health this year was (and still is) shot. Imagine waking up every single day wondering what the fuck you’re doing and second guessing your choices. Not going after what you want, not saying what you want to say, not doing what you know you should be doing.

SO, I decided to do what I wanted, I decided to say what I’d been wanting to say. And that was my biggest breakthrough. I sat down with my ex and ended it.

How hard is it to tell the person you’ve loved since you were 16 that you can’t do this anymore? Fucking hard. But afterward (not right away), I felt lighter. I didn’t feel that extra weight on my chest, I didn’t hear that nagging voice in my head.

The other hard part? Watching them move out. Separating your lives. Separating things that you’ve collected together and bought together. Knowing that it’s truly over. Watching them walk away. Move to another country.

Learning to live on your own. Learning to depend on yourself for the first time in what feels like forever has been HARD.

Who I am? I don’t exactly know that right now. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way this year. But, this next year I’m going to find her again.

I’m not setting big goals or creating resolutions. I’m focusing on one word above the rest and that word is ME.

This gal is going to focus on me and choose me.

Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t pour my heart into my friendships, my family, the love I feel for people, it just means that I’m going to take much much better care of myself.

Will there be hard days? Oh fuck yes.

I spent quite a few times bawling in my shower. Something about a shower is super therapeutic. Do not be afraid to cry.

Guys, I loved hard this year. Harder than I’ve ever loved. I felt things I’ve never felt before. I’ve done things I’ve never done before. I wore my heart on my sleeve and took leaps. Was it scary? Absolutely. But if you feel like you should be doing something other than what you’re doing, then do it. If there are things that you want to say, say them. Don’t hold back. There are things I should have said earlier this year, things I should have said last year!

Let people know that you love them if you do, let people know that something isn’t working if it’s not, listen to your heart, listen to your gut, listen to that voice in your head. Choose you. Love yourself harder than anyone else and never ever settle.

I wish you all the best rest of this year and may this new year be your best year yet.

I think big big things are in store for all of us.

Love always.

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